HOW TO GET UNSTUCK (FOR PEOPLE PLEASERS)

Scared of asking for what you want, or need, in case you make others unhappy?

Burning out because you just can't say "no" to requests?

Fear of letting others down preventing you from moving forwards?

Unable to speak out in case you make others unhappy with your opinions?

You may also find yourself saying things like:

- "What a great idea!" (in an attempt to make the person like you rather than because the idea is fantastic)

- "Sorry that I..." (even though you didn't do anything wrong)

- "I don't want to cause trouble" (because you believe that any conflict would be a bad thing)

- "I want to make sure everyone is happy" (even if others being happy means that you are unhappy)

- "Oh you're so good at..." (in an attempt to make the other person say the same about you)

- "Yes of course I'll take that on" (even though you already have too much on and/or the task wasn't your responsibility)

If so, its likely that your preference for pleasing others is preventing you from making the choices that you want to make for yourself. While others may see you as agreeable, kind and helpful, the above behaviours can leave you feeling burnt out, used by others, resentful, frustrated, unsatisfied, stressed and overwhelmed. Research has also shown that this behavioural pattern can also drive you to eat more in certain situations!

It's also likely that you're suffering from low self-esteem or a fear of rejection, which is part of the driver for the above behaviours. The motivation is what differentiates nice-ness (where the positive act is driven by a desire to make people feel good, or to return a favour, for example) from people pleasing (where the motivation is usually to make up for low self-esteem by trying to make others like you).

So, what do you do about it?

First, determine what it would give you if you were able to dial down the above behaviours, even just a little bit. Would it make you less resentful? Less tired and stressed? More able to get what you want out of life? More confident in your own abilities? Have a vision in your head as to what this looks like for you and find a way to remind yourself what that looks like. Having this as a motivation will help you make the changes you need to. A coach can help you flesh this out into something that is motivating and inspiring that you can hang onto as you make steps to change your approach.

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Then, define what your own needs are. In terms of time, in terms of tasks, in terms of rebalancing relationships etc. Write those down. Which are the most important for you? Where are you currently in terms of meeting those needs?

Define one small step that will help you move towards achieving your needs from where you are currently. Set a timeline by which you'll do it. Once you've done the first step, reflect on how it felt to move forwards and make that change. Then take the next small step.

There's a good chance that one of the things you need to change is your boundaries, likely by learning how to say "no" to requests that you don't want to agree to. Have a think about how you will evaluate incoming asks - for example, by looking at how stressed that additional request will make you, whether you've got the time to do it, what your motivation is for doing it. If you decide that you don't want to take on the ask, then consider your options. You could buy for time, or you could say outright "no". You can help yourself by preparing what you are going to say instead. That might be quite direct (e.g. "No, I can't fit that in right now") but if you can't get comfortable with that phrase, then saying something like "I'll come back to you once I've reviewed my diary". The important thing is not to make excuses for not taking a task on when you do turn them down, as that leaves open the chance that you'll get into a negotiation with the requestor.

Often, at the heart of people pleasing is low self-esteem. So, to tackle that, practice positive self-talk. The first thing is to notice the triggers for negative self-talk. When does negative chatter get louder in your mind? When you're feeling uncertain, vulnerable or insecure, for example? Or when you're around a certain person or people?

Find a way to adjust the way you talk to yourself. You can do this using one of two broad approaches - firstly, you can change the language itself. This might be softening the language that you use with yourself e.g. changing "I can't do this" to "How can I get a handle on this?", or by minimising absolutes such as "I am rubbish at..." to "I didn't get it right this time but next time I will...". A coach can help with this, by helping you to pick up and shift the language you use real time.

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Secondly, you can incentivise the brain to stop thinking those thoughts. There is a therapeutic technique of keeping a rubber band on your wrist and pinging your wrist with it each time you think a negative thought. The negative association that your brain develops with the pain of the band snap incentivises it to reduce the number of those thoughts it has.

Finally, keeping a journal can aid self-awareness around thoughts and behaviours. To make it a habit, have a time of day that you will journal. Use that time to both write down that day's thoughts, as well as reviewing thoughts from previous days, to give you perspective and enable you to see how far you've come. Writing thoughts and experiences down has also been shown to lessen the emotional responses that the brain has to them, effectively lessening their impact. It's also been shown to improve mood, lessen anxiety, improve working memory and reduce depression. Pretty powerful!